 I really hate The Spurs -- as they embark on their 4th Championship, I give you the reasons as to why with more clarity than even Philip Bailey could provide:
1. Their first championship in 1999 doesn’t count. An official NBA Season is 82 games....
2. They have no personality. They look the same when they win by twenty as they did when Derek Fisher hit that shot with .04 left on the clock. And can someone find this team some shorter shorts? Baggy shorts just don't look right with their style of play -- it's almost as bad as the fifty-six year old that you see wearing some Roc-A-Wear shorts up in Home Depot....
3. Like the New England Patriots, they are boring. The NBA is meant to entertain -- The Spurs have not yet received this unclassified information. Whenever there is a team that you find remotely entertaining (i.e. the 1999 Knicks and 2007 Suns come to mind), San Antonio will come in and bore not only you to death, but the other team as well. The other team is forced to sit back and defend the mind-numbing offense of the Spurs -- bank shot after bank shot, back cut after back cut, and all of the other shit that your White middle school coach thought of while jacking off. To analogize, I remember going to play laser-tag back in the day and always having that one jackass friend that just took the shit too seriously -- to the point where playing wasn't even fun anymore. Instead of running around chasing people like everyone else, this loser would go crouch in a hidden corner somewhere, and for the entire 15 minutes, just snipe the shit out of everyone. Sure, he would win, but no one enjoyed playing with him and it frustrated the hell out of everyone else -- who were trying to have fun -- to keep having to go back to the base to power up after this fool has shot your ass into oblivion. Well, that’s how The Spurs play -- they are so boring and methodical, never wanting to entertain or fast break, that they take the drive to play out of the other team, and before you know it, that other team is down 3-1 in the series....
4. Coming off of a Spurs’ championship, if a man with a gun were to walk into The Spurs’ locker room at the beginning of the next season, and tell them that "they better defend their championship this year, or else...." -- each and every one of The Spurs would tell the man to go on ahead and pop a cap in their ass because they know it’s not happening. How are you an alleged dynasty and you can’t ever defend your championships? Since 1987, every team that has won multiple championships has successfully defended their title the next year -- other than The Spurs of course. Shit, it’s easy to win a championship when you’re under the radar for the entire season (as has been the case in each of The Spurs’ championship seasons). It’s another thing when every night, for 82 games of a season, teams are giving their all against you because you are the defending champion; to defend your championship in those circumstances is what truly makes a dynasty. Seeing as how the first championship in 1999 didn’t count, I won’t bring up what happened to them in 2000 when the Suns knocked their asses out of the playoffs. But, in 2004 and 2006, The Lakers and The Mavericks, respectively, watched San Antonio falter under the pressure of trying to defend a title. So as the title of this post states....
5. Mentioning The Lakers in reason number 4 actually brings The Lakers to mind. First things first, The Lakers were always able to step their game up against these fools -- no matter how boring or methodical they tried to play -- because The Lakers did not appreciate being swept out of The Forum by The Spurs on route to their unofficial championship in 1999. First of all, no matter how methodical The Spurs play in the half-court, The Lakers of the early 2000's were even better. Yet, what people loved about The Lakers, is that even in a half-court set, The Lakers could still entertain. First, you obviously look to 2001 when The Spurs had home court advantage in the Western Conference Finals and still managed to get swept -- losing by an average of twenty-something points per game. In 2002, The Spurs won the first game of the Conference-Semis, just to get reverse swept out of the playoffs. Even though The Spurs beat the Lakers in 2003, they shouldn’t have. The Spurs squandered that huge lead in the 4th quarter of game five by playing that boring White purists style of basketball, and had Robert Horry’s three not rattled out, The Lakers would have beat The Spurs that year too. Then in 2004, The Spurs go up 2-0 on The Lakers just to lose four games straight -- one of those games including the .04 second shot by D-Fish. What I’m trying to say, is that the only reason The Spurs are winning now, is by default. They could never stop Kobe, and had Kobe not single-handedly stopped The Lakers by having certain people shipped off, we wouldn’t be witness to such tragedies as The Spurs in The Finals yet again....
6. The Spurs never have any off-court issues. No Kobe-Shaq type feud. No one choking the coach. No DUI’s, drug possession, anal rapes, or anything else to get in trouble with the law. I mean look, we as fans LOVE that shit. Remember how much fun the fans in Denver had in the ‘03-‘04 season booing Kobe whenever he came to town? Seeing Kobe play flawless throughout all of those boos made it an even better spectacle. So come on Spurs, one of you fools needs to throw your wife down the stairs or something. I know you guys probably don’t attract many groupies (seeing as how you don’t even look like athletes) so as to start some good arguments with your wives, but, I know that one of your wives has probably had something flippant to say about the boring ass style of basketball you play; so, by all means, handle that -- for the fans’ sake....
7. Tim Duncan. Will you please talk more shit? You’re one of the greatest -- albeit boring -- power forwards to ever play the game and yet I don’t think the word nigga has ever come out of your mouth during a game. Now, most of you that read this blog will rarely see the N-Word on here, but, when you dunk on someone that had the audacity to think that they could stop your 11 foot ass from doing so, not only is it appropriate, but it is mandatory, that your mouth spit out a sentence comprised of the words nigga, fuck, and you.
8. Honestly, I’m still hurt by the outcome of the 2005 NBA Finals. Rasheed, why would you leave Horry open at the end of that pivotal game five? Your actions implied your thoughts to be "Oh, Horry ain’t gonna hit that shot -- his past 47 game winners were all luck and under different circumstances than these....." What’s funny, is that as O.J. as ‘Sheed will go on a ref, you never see him slapping the shit out of himself after jackass plays such as that....
Anyway, those are the elite eight reasons as to why I hate The Spurs. If I left any out, please be sure to fill them in. I’ll have another post up this weekend. Peace.... |
Four Final Rings. .
Two Astericks?
(you know the Suns were janked this period)
What do you think?
PS: Glad your back. How was the trip with the missus?
Oh yeah and guess what!! The summer concert series is upon us!!