EAST COAST CRITICS ARE BIASED: A THOROUGH TAKE ON HIP-HOP, POLITICS, AND POPULAR CULTURE
Saturday, March 08, 2008
Why The Fuck Are You Still Here?
Hillary Clinton is starting to remind me of that ex that just won’t go away.
And not just any kind of ex, but that late-20s to early-30s kind of ex who is pissed that you want to break up with her NOW when her market value isn’t as high as it was when she was 23. The kind of ex whose dumb ass thought that the relationship was going well when you knew (along with your friends, your parents, her friends, and her parents) that she was on her way out at least 8 months ago – you were just looking for the perfect time to “get out.”
In terms of the Democrats' relationship with Hillary Clinton, tell me that Senator Barack Obama hasn’t provided that opportunity...
“An Obama” is a person who miraculously comes along at the end of a toxic relationship and provides (1) a lot of things that that bitch of an ex refused to do for you – even after you made it clear to her that those were the things that you needed, and (2) a means to avoid pleasantly dwelling on the ONE quality that your bitch of an ex might have possessed.
As to reason number (2), just think about it. Everytime that you want to break up with someone (particularly a bitch), you hesitate, because regardless of the 362 days out of the year that you’re miserable with the bitch, you fool yourself into believing that “the good times with this person outweigh the bad times.” That to say that then, the minute that you’re finally about to break up with the bitch (in order to avoid slapping the shit out of her for slamming doors in your house when you’ve repeatedly told her crazy ass how you feel about that shit), you think back to the ONE good day that you had with her two years ago and start to fear that you’ll never meet anyone who can make you as happy as she made you on THAT day.
But just as that flawed logic comes dangerously close to fucking up any chance for future happiness, for those fortunate enough to experience it, an Obama comes along to save the day. An Obama is unquestionably amazing at the end of a toxic relationship because an Obama keeps you from having those “I’m lonely and I’ll never meet anyone like my bitch of an ex” thoughts. Moreover, an Obama comes along and helps you realize that (1) not only does she posses the ONE quality that kept you hanging on to your bitch ass ex for two years too long, but that (2) she shows you that there is so much more that you wanted out of a person that you never even knew that you needed UNTIL you met this Obama. But that’s not all...
An Obama comes into your life and does everything that your ex used to TALK SHIT about one day doing, but never actually got around to doing it (why does lackluster oral sex come to mind here?). Aside from all of that, you’re amazed because all of your family and friends LOVE your new Obama! They didn’t even know that they hated your ex so much UNTIL they met Obama. At family functions, random family members come up to you and say things like, “I like this one! And the more that I think about it, I’m GLAD that you got rid of that door-slamming ass bitch.”
Don’t get me wrong though. It's not as if your ex was Satan’s reincarnation. Overall she was probably smart, driven, and at the end of the day, you probably would have lived the “good life” with two kids, a four bedroom home, and friends that were jealous of the way that your relationship appeared to be on the outside. Nevertheless, you could never be truly happy with her because for whatever good that she could provide, she was still a BITCH at the end of the day who just happened to be better than some of the other bitches that you dealt with before her. I.e., she was “the tallest midget.” And seeing as how she was a bitch, she refused to go down easy (be it by simply bowing out of your life, or, by bowing out of the presidential race).
See, for all of the shit that she used to talk about you – how "selfish" you were, or how she's the best thing that your sorry ass could ever get, at the end of the day, she knows that YOU'RE the best thing that SHE could ever get. She knows that she'll never meet anyone as promising as you again, who in addition to that, will put up with her bitch ass attitude for four years like you did. So as an Obama begins to make the transition into your life, you ALREADY KNOW that your ex is going to be calling you 14 times an hour, leaving mean voice messages so long that they get cut off and she has to call back, promising “to change” and not be the bitch that she was for the entire four years that you were together, and constantly trying to play on your fears of being alone.
Enter Hillary Clinton.
Now look, just like your ex, Hillary Clinton is not Satan’s reincarnation. And she’s definitely not George W. Bush. But even more than that, she possesses that ONE good quality (like your ex) that at points earlier in the campaign, made it hard to fully allow Obama's transition into your life; that ONE quality being her husband Bill Clinton. And it goes without saying that the minute that Black people hear Bill Clinton’s name, “the good times that I have with this person outweigh the bad times” doctrine comes into play. So regardless of the bullshit that Hillary Clinton may be about (i.e. "It's 3am; if you allow Obama to pick up the phone, then your child will be ass raped.") before South Carolina, Black people didn’t care. In fact, Hillary's ONE quality was strong enough that Black people didn’t even care that there was a BLACK MAN running for president! At that point, all that mattered to Black people too-scared-to-let-go were the good old days that the Clintons provided BACK IN 1995. Nevermind all of the shit that the Clintons didn’t do for us in 8 years, we were going to stick with them because we had better days with them than we had with Reagan or the Bush’s. Again, “the tallest midget” theory comes to mind.
Nonetheless, to Black people's credit, once "that line" is crossed, anyone can be cut – be it an ex, or, be it an ex-president. Enter the South Carolina Primary, or, as I like to put it, "the last door that Hillary Clinton would slam in my goddamn house." There, her ONE quality ran around the state telling White voters to pay no attention to the fact that Obama would probably win the primary. In fact, he basically put it like this: “Look y'all, if Jesse Goddamn Jackson could win this state, then what does that say about the niggers who live here? It says that these niggers will vote for any nigga that’s on the ballot!!! Obama ain’t shit – he’s just got these niggers fooled.”
But how could “the first Black president” say all of that with a straight face when Obama had just won Iowa a few weeks before? And when it comes to Whiteness, Iowa makes Wyoming look like the south side of Chicago (coincidentally, Obama won Wyoming today). So tying that into the greater analogy of this post, Iowa basically served as that “family function” where you realized how much everyone in your family loved Obama and hated your ex. I mean come on, Hillary came in third place in Iowa!
Obama then ran off 11 states in a row as he made the transition into the minds of millions of Americans who really didn’t want Hillary as president, but were giving her credit for that one day back in 1995 when we weren't depressed about the Iraq War. Yet, as Obama kept winning, instead of simply fucking off – or even congratulating the man out of common courtesy – Hillary stuck around making excuses like your crazy ass ex. She kept telling you that because of her "experience," she knows you better than anyone else could ever know you (*). She leaves millions of voice messages claiming that Barack HUSSEIN Obama has you fooled. And even though she voted for the war and has supported it for six years, she now tells you that she will “change” and pull the troops out of Iraq if you just stick with her. Mannnnn, fuck that. Moreover, fuck her, her racist ass husband, her racist ass campaign, and the dumb ass people who are willing to "settle" for her because they "know what they are getting with her." Which is the same reason why your best friend won't leave that bitch that he's currently with...
Still, I must give Hillary credit for winning Texas and Ohio last Tuesday – the most important wins of her campaign. Tuesday also served as the day that Mexicans (not Latinos) were noticed for the first time since their bullshit “protests” a couple of years ago that accomplished absolutely nothing. In order to win last Tuesday, Hillary used the same "prey on your weaknesses" strategy that your ex would always use as her last measure. See, once “that line” has been crossed, the only thing that can keep your ex in the picture is sex – your BIGGEST weakness. And although your new Obama is amazing in every aspect, and you can see from the couple of times that you've had sex that the two of you will be having AMAZING sex in the future, at the end of the day, you are still more sexually compatible with your ex because AT THIS POINT she has the most "experience" with your body. So as you’re learning your way with your new Obama, it’s nothing for your ex to con you over to her house by saying something such as, “If you don’t come over here and pick up this X-Box, I’m going to throw it out.” You go over there all unassuming with Madden '08 on your mind only to have her answer the door wearing that girly lotion that smells so good, those short shorts with her ass cheeks hanging out the back, that lip gloss that kind of tastes good, and that thong coming out of the top of those short shorts. And at that point, it’s over. You’re GOING to fuck.
And that’s what happened this past Tuesday. Hillary – like your bitch of an ex – knows that it’s ultimately over. But since she also knows that it wouldn't turn people on to see her in a thong, she decided to prey on weak ass Mexicans. She knows that Mexicans don’t trust Blacks (i.e. Obama) – as they shouldn’t, because what do we owe them? They’re racist as hell (ask any Black person in a California prison), they break the law every day that they’re over here without a visa working for plantation wages, and they smell (generally). That is why I refuse to look at Latinos as one group and I get mad at the news media for doing so. I mean come on; I’m here in NYC with nothing but Dominicans, Puerto Ricans, Cubans, etc. Trust me; these aforementioned Latinos couldn't be culturally further from Mexicans (aside from the language). They look down on Mexicans just as much as the next Earthling. That said, it should be common knowledge that you cannot contrast Latinos (as a group) to Blacks because “Latinos” are not one homogeneous group. Shit, there are Black Latinos! Nonetheless, Hillary is playing these Mexicans the same way that your ex tried to play you with sex. Yet just as the sex could only keep your ex in the picture for the twenty minutes that it took for you to bust all over her crack, praying on Mexican's fears will only keep Hillary in the picture so long as Texas and California are holding primaries. And at the end of the day, those primaries are over. The delegate lead speaks louder than Hillary's bitching about "speeches."
So all of that to say, Hillary, please leave. Although you are not George W. Bush, neither is John McCain. Should you "ex-girlfriend" your way into the nomination, I will not vote for you. This is not 2004 where I had to vote AGAINST Bush by voting for Kerry. John McCain is not the idiot that Bush is, so, I don't have too much to fear. Not to mention, conservatives (i.e. racists) don't like John McCain that much, so, that also serves to put my mind at ease. And trust me, assuming that you use the "superdelegates" to steal the nomination, I will not be the only Black person to either (1) stay at home on election day, or (2) vote for John McCain. Hell, as we can all agree, the only thing better than leaving your ex (particularly if she’s a bitch) is to find out that her life after you wasn’t as pleasant as she planned. Especially if you find out that her new boyfriend is whooping her ass on a daily basis. And should we vote John McCain into office for that same spiteful reason, at least we can be assured that he'll put up a border fence so as to prevent anymore of that bullshit that occurred in Texas last Tuesday.
So in any event, I wish the best for Senator Obama. It has truly been a pleasure watching someone that looks like me go further than I ever believed a politician that looked like me could go in this country. And although Michelle Obama had to “clarify” her comments, I’m not afraid to say that for the first time in my life, I am extremely proud of my country. With the judgment that Obama has shown in the past (coming out against the War when it could have been political suicide), the people that he places around him (how else could his Black ass have made it this far in a PRESIDENTIAL campaign?), and the way that he can inspire people without needing a terrorist attack to do so, I am behind this man all the way. So until the next post, peace…
(*) What is it with Hillary and all of this "experience" talk? Haven't you ever been trained by some idiot at a new job who had X amount of years more seniority than you? It never fails that within a matter of one week, this person will have you wondering who in THE HELL they had to blow in order to still be with the company. In fact, they're so inept that you just want to do the opposite of anything that they say. So what good is the "experience" factor if at the end of the day it's useless? And when it comes to Hillary Clinton, her experience IS useless. I mean come on, if half of the Democratic party is currently despising her ass, then what do you think that the Republicans are thinking about her? If her polarizing ass makes it back to that White House, do her Upper East Side supporters REALLY think that she'll accomplish much? Being someone who has lived twenty-plus years around conservative White people in both the Midwest and the South, take my word for it when I say NO. Hillary can have all of the "experience" in the world, but seeing as how we don't live in a dictatorship (per se), she WILL have to find a way to get along with Republicans in order to accomplish anything. And seeing as how Republicans hate Hillary more than O.J. hated his ex, her presidency will be about as viable as Isaiah Thomas' presidency has been for the Knicks.
Seeing as how the R&B that I came up with has been completely phased out by entertainers (note: not singers) such as Ne-Yo, Chris Brown, and [any other person born after 1989], from here on out, I am taking it upon myself to do a P-esque style throwback every month.
For your reference, it must be known that I came up with the R&B that progressed from the late-80's to the mid-to-late-90's. Whereas most people attach music to the lyrics of the song, I have always attached music to various periods in my life. Seeing as how the 90's in particular was one hell of a decade for me (the only one - so far - that I have lived all the way through), much of these "back-in-the-day" cuts that I provide you with will come from that time. Specifically, look for cuts from the mid-to-late-90's because that brings back all of my middle school/high school memories (i.e. the good ol' days where you talked to girls (freaks) on the phone until 4 in the morning, where getting jacked off was the equivalent of great sex, and where you had no responsibilities in the world other than working at Marshalls from 5-9 three times during the week and from 2-10 on Saturdays).
With that said, enjoy the first back-in-the-day cut. I have some GREAT 9th grade memories to this one. Whatever happened to these cats? Timbaland threw down on the beat - reminiscent of his "One In A Million" masterpiece. Also, the beyond gorgeous "video-vixen" in this one may help shed some light as to why my man was trying to throw a light-skinned party back home in The D. Nevertheless, peace....
Lack Of Eligible Black Men? Black Women, Shut The Fuck Up....
So, the older that I get, the more and more I am finding myself having to listen to educated and successful Black women’s bullshit about there being no eligible Black men for them. Well, admittedly, maybe it’s not that much of bullshit (because face it, the argument does hold weight - somewhat) as much as it is the outright denial on the part of educated and successful Black women.
To the extent that Black women’s complaining is not bullshit, I will concede that you do have those Black men out there - blue collar AND white collar Black men - that do not deal well with Black women having an opinion (and God forbid that the Black woman not only have an opinion, but, actually express it!). I can see how that would fuck up a successful, educated Black woman’s “eligibility pool.” But, really Black women, do you actually believe this problem to be one that only affects you? Shit, if you ever watch Dr. Phil, you can go behind the scenes into White peoples' homes and find that a plethora of White women (the educated and the dumb as hell) have the same issue - the issue of a man wanting the woman to do nothing more but cook, clean, lick his balls from time to time, and shut the fuck up. The issue of SOME men having a problem with opinionated women is an issue that transcends race (just ask the women who flee to the U.S. due to some "elder" back home wanting to chop off their clit).
But, nevertheless, I will go ahead and assume that it is easier for an educated White woman to tell a man that has a problem with her opinions to fuck off than it is for a like-situated Black woman to do the same. This assumption rests on Black women's universal belief that there is a “lack of eligible Black men." So if Black women are in fact correct, let’s address the reasons (there are only two) as to why this pool of eligible Black men seems so small, in the hope that ultimately, Black women will finally shut the fuck up with all their incessant complaining.
Reason # 1:
The educated, successful Black women that complain the most are usually (1) the MOST educated and successful, and (2) the ones that ALWAYS end up on the stereotypical “Black-forum” television programs complaining about their inability to find some status-comparable dick. Black men will note that these are usually some of the ugliest bitches that you have ever seen in your life. These women are arrogant enough to sit up there and complain that it’s their education and success that scare off Black men and not their fucked up hair, unfortunate-looking face, and/or lack of desirable body features (such as nice thighs, a reasonable body weight, an ass comparable to that of Trina’s circa 2001, etc.).
Let’s keep it real ugly ass successful Black women, do you ever see ugly ass successful White women up on Oxygen angry about all the White men who are intimidated by their intellectual prowess? No!!! Because these White women are educated enough to know that it has nothing to do with their “success” and EVERYTHING to do with the fact that they’re ugly as fuck! Successful, attractive men - of any race - enjoy the company of a beautiful woman (be they successful women, or, be they the type of woman that Oran “The Juice” Jones had to throw out of his house).
To all of my ugly ass successful Black women; that lecture that your ugly ass mother gave you about it being “the inside that really counts” should really be left at the door. I mean, don’t get me wrong, the inside does count. I’ve been with some BEAUTIFUL Black women that I’ve had to cut off after it turned out that they were psychotic, bi-polar, etc. But, whether people want to admit this or not, the only reason that people will ever care to know what someone is like on the inside will stem from the fact that they want to fuck the shit out of what they initially see on the outside....
So, to these successful, educated, albeit ugly ass Black women, I say, stop complaining. Yes, as much as it pains you to say it during your sixth appearance on some “state of the Black male/female relationship” television program, you may just have to go ahead and date a White man. Hell, it may not be so bad! I mean, whenever I do see a White man with a Black woman, the Black woman is usually SO ugly (like you), that in a way, the White man views her as exotic. And we all know that White men love the exotic type, so....
Reason # 2:
The other type of complaining, albeit successful Black woman is usually STUNNING. Beyonce stunning. Nia Long circa 1999 stunning. Halle Berry circa Strictly Business/Boomerang stunning. The type of successful, professional Black woman that I would see walking the streets at lunch during my time in Atlanta. This woman usually has that aforementioned 2001 Trina ass - an ass so desirable that you’ll fuck around and rear-end the person in front of you just so that you can get a better look. She’s usually got that brown to light-brown skin, a beautiful face, and carries herself really well (as if she knows that she’s fine).
She’s usually not as smart or successful as her ugly ass colleague from Reason # 1, but, this is because unlike a Reason #1 type of Black woman, men have actually been trying to fuck this type of successful Black woman for quite some time now. Therefore, unlike her ugly ass colleague, this Black woman didn’t need to study all of the time to keep her mind off of the fact that no man wanted to have her face down in a pillow. So, in high school, and college, men took her out on dates. She may have even been attractive enough to become an AKA. During this time, her girls/sorority sisters always wanted her to come out with them because they KNEW that being seen out with her, all the attention would focus on their clique. So although she didn’t keep the 9.0 GPA like the ugly bitch from Reason # 1, she was always smart enough to keep her GPA around a 3.2 or higher.
So, I know that you're wondering, with all that this woman has going for her, how is it that she can't find a man?
Well, this woman actually can find a man (successful Black men are trying to get with her all the time), she just realizes that it's A LOT harder for her to keep a comparable Black man than it is for a like-situated White woman to keep her man - and it bothers her. It bothers her because although she is beyond gorgeous, quite successful, and an all-around "good woman" (i.e. she cooks, listens to her man's sorrows, randomly sucks his dick while he's watching The Pistons play, etc.), she seems to always get dogged by whatever successful Black man she ends up with. She can't figure out why do all these supposed "good catches" keep treating her like shit, cheating on her, and not too much giving a fuck about her once she finally swallows. Well, here's the answer....
Generally speaking, educated, successful Black men don't give too much of a shit about educated, successful Black women's feelings because frankly, educated, successful Black women didn't give too much of a shit about these successful Black men UNTIL they became successful. No Mike Jones....
Case in point:
Let's be real, high school is not that difficult. So long as you do your homework, turn in your homework, and study for the test the night before you take it, you're already working with a 3.2 GPA. The more you do (i.e. extra credit work, study for the test a week before you take it, etc.), you're already looking at graduating with one of those specialty ribbons. Because high school is so easy, many Black women (ugly and beautiful) do really well. Due to their GPA's, and, due to the fact that Affirmative Action still has about another 7 years before it is a thing of the past, these Black women get into some amazing schools. But, what about the Black men?
Well, seeing as how I always went to school in the suburbs - even when my zipcode was 48221 - I can only speak for suburban Black male students. So first, let's classify the types of Black guys that you have in suburban schools:
(i) You have the Black guys whose parents renounced their Blackness long ago (and for whatever reason, these are usually some of the most Wesley Snipes looking MF's that you've ever seen). These guys have lived in the suburbs their entire lives, so, they legitimately think that they are White (because culturally, they are). They only fuck with White women, and, will only fuck with White women for the rest of their lives. They do well in school - because White culture does not socially punish those who do okay in high school - and hence, become "eligible" Black men in adulthood. Unfortunately for Black women, generally speaking, White women give the best head, and, since it is the only head that this guy has ever known, he's not settling for less, which, later on in life, significantly contributes to the successful Black woman's shortage of Black men.
(ii) Next, you have the ugly ass Black guy. Because this guy can't get any ass - from either Black or White women - this guy, like the Reason #1 Black woman, decides to focus his attention on his schoolwork (and his porn; this guy always had the best porn in high school). He does really well in school, and usually ends up at the university of his choice. He's the guy that you hear Howard women discussing, "There are no guys at this school!!! Well, I mean there are guys at this school, but, I'm not trying to be bending over for any of their ugly asses." Later on in life, however, many of the beautiful, successful, and educated Black women that I speak of will finally give this guy some ass as a last ditch effort before having to marry a White man (assuming of course that the prospect of being single for all eternity bothers her).
(iii) Next, you have the suburban thug. I once dedicated an entire post to this guy. This guy did well in school - all the way from kindergarten until some point in the 9th Grade. The minute that he arrived to high school, however, he noticed that all of the girls that he came up with in middle school were gravitating towards either (a) older guys, which there is nothing you can do anything about, (b) the dropouts and/or thugs from other schools that would always be standing next to their Box Chevy's in the parking lot after school waiting to pick up one of the baddest bitches at the school, or, most importantly (c) the guys who pretended to be thugs in school because they knew that Black high school girls liked that kind of shit.
Instead of focusing on the easy ass high school curriculum, this guy is too busy trying to portray an image. So, instead of doing homework, he's watching BET all night. At school, he's smoking weed in the bathroom so that his eyes will be chinky at lunch - a feat that impresses high school Black girls (who in the mean time are keeping up their 3.2 GPA's). This guy does horrible in high school. When all is said and done, and he realizes that the high school world only lasts four years, he then realizes that he fucked up. At this point, he either (a) spends an eternity in community college trying to catch up to everyone else, (b) gets a job at Enterprise Rental Car and tries to work his way up the corporate glass ceiling, (c) spends the next ten years as one of the guys in the high school parking lot trying to fuck with young ho's that still think he is cool, or (d) ends up in prison. This guy OBVIOUSLY contributes to Black women's shortage of eligible Black men.
(iv) Finally, you have, well, the Black guy like me (please believe, and my faithful readers know, I never use this blog to be arrogant; I'm just using myself as an example here because there are A LOT of Black guys that grew up like me who will understand where I am about to go with this).
As has been said too many times on this blog, the earlier years of my life were spent growing up near the intersection of Livernois Road and 7 Mile Road in Detroit, MI. Yet, thank God for my mom, instead of allowing the Detroit Public School System to fuck up any chance of advancement in my life, she sent me to a Catholic school out on East 12 Mile Road in Royal Oak, MI. When her job moved her to Atlanta, I ended up at a comparable school on the south side.
Yet, the fact that I went to good, predominately White schools, did not take away from the fact that I knew where the hell my roots were (hell, I had to go home everyday). I have strong family ties. I am not from a rich family, so, I get along best with everyday people, but, the fact of the matter is, I have been around rich White kids from an early age. So, frankly, I feel as though I got the best of both worlds.
Being in the White culture from an early age, there was no shame in doing well in school. So, when I got to high school, nothing changed. I'm not an ugly guy, so, I got enough ass to sustain me, but, in being honest, I did used to envy the type (iii) "suburban thugs" that got ALL the ass. These guys - along with their fake suburban thug homeboys - would skip school with some of the most beautiful Black girls and come to school the next day telling us how "that bitch" managed to suck six dicks at once, let three guys fuck her at the same time, and already had a half-gallon of sperm on her while the rest of us were sitting in 2nd period British Lit. In my mind, I would coddle myself by saying that these guys were just making shit up; until of course they would show me the video that they made of it....
Black suburban girls would do anything for these guys. Many guys like myself (but not me) ended up becoming the type (iii) suburban thug because frankly, everything in high school revolves around ass. At the end of the day, guys want ass. They will do whatever it takes to get the ass, especially at that young of an age. Being that we were so young, girls were not as open with their sexuality as they are now. As most people my age and older will agree, you can usually end up with some ass by the third date (because women know whether they're going to fuck you from around the time that they intially meet you). Yet, back in high school, it could take anywhere from 3 months to 3 years to get some ass depending on what type of chick you were dealing with. With that reality, many suburban Black guys recognized that, "Hey, those fake suburban thugs seem to get not only a lot of ass, but, they get a lot of ass in a reasonable amount of time, so, I think it's about time that I start failing some classes up in this bitch."
Well, I didn't go that route, but, I did resent the fact that I didn't get as much ass as I could/should have simply because I was trying to go to college where I knew the level of ass to be much more regarded (i.e. I knew that I had to do well in high school). That's why I thank God that I went to high school in Atlanta. By attending many of the basketball and football games for Clark, Morris Brown, Spelman, etc., I made up my mind long ago that college was the place to be because I could see for myself the numbers disparity between Black men and women in higher education. Once I got to college, as well as many of the Black men like myself, things were great. I didn't even go to Howard (where the woman to man ratio is like 12/1), but, still, the Black man to Black woman ratio at Georgia State worked quite well in my favor - as it did in the favor of most guys there. Once you get into graduate school, the numbers are even crazier. Once you get into the corporate world, forget about it....
And that right there is why Black women have a "lack of eligible Black men." Unfortunately, this post can't speak to the numbers, but, please believe that there is a significant amount of young Black guys that got caught up with the type (iii) suburban thug syndrome. They got caught up, because, face it Black women, in high school, you liked those thuggy guys more than you did the guys who were on their shit! I'll never forget one of "your kind," who in high school said to me, "Phil, you're the type of guy that I want to end up with later in life, but, for now, I don't know what it is, but, I just want a thug in my life." She said that shit to me with a straight face too. Now that we're 24 (i.e. "later in life"), her, and many of her dumbass friends are constantly hitting me up on Facebook, but, I just ignore their pokes....
Generally speaking, Black guys, such as myself, have seen the numbers disparity since at least the first week of undergrad. We know that beautiful, successful, educated Black women outnumber us in the "successful" world, and, admittedly, many guys on my level play it to their advantage. Hell, why not? Black girls didn't give a shit about us then, so, why should we give them all the respect in the world now?
It really does suck, but, being in the "high school world" really places a blanket on perception. When you're in 10th grade, it seems like you'll be in that place forever. Yet, in reality, those years fly by and at the end, you're stuck with what you did. Sadly, I don't know if Black parents are doing a well enough job at explaining how important high school is. High school determines where you go to college, which determines where you go to graduate school, which determines which jobs you are likely to get. Sucky high school grades lead to sucky colleges, which in turn leads to sucky graduate schools and/or jobs. That's just how it is. Black parents must do a better job at letting their kids know that there will be a world outside of those high school hallways. It took me graduating from high school, and then, college, to understand how fast time really flies. Four years goes by like that, and, as I said, at the end of the four years, you're stuck with what you did - not what you could have done had you applied yourself.
Summarily, from the conversations that I've had with many Black women my age on this topic, it seems that Black parents also need to do a better job with telling their girls what they should look for in a man. In high school, I never saw White girls messing around with the losers that Black girls would. You know what, I take that back. Sometimes those fake suburban thugs would skip school with a White girl, but, to the White girl's credit, I know that she would have never thought about letting one of those guys be her boyfriend. Meanwhile, Black girls used to sit around and cry all day about the fact that their type (iii) boyfriend got caught with some Grey Goose in his locker.
When White girls got a boyfriend, he would always be an upstanding guy that she could "take home" to Mom and Dad. Black girls didn't do that because frankly, Black parents have this thing about their daughters not dating until 16 or 17. Meanwhile, White girls are going on group dates at 13-years-old. Those group dates help the White girls, from an earlier age, find out what they want and what they don't want in a guy (on top of what their parents have already told them).
So, in conclusion, Black women, shut the fuck up. There would be a much higher number of "eligible" Black men around had you not caused so many Black guys in high school to throw away their lives. You can say that it shouldn't be all about sex, or girls, but, in high school, for high school boys, it is. You should have seen that from the way that you had guys driving your ass all around town - from taking you to get your nails done, your hair done, taking you to the mall so that you could try on some shoes in one of those girly shoe stores (and then ask his opinion as he sat next to all of the other young guys in there trying to get some ass). If you realized that you could have Black guys doing all of that, you don't think that you could've helped them keep the 3.2 GPA that your ass obviously had? (e.g. "Unless you get at least an 85 on your Statistics test, your balls will be dry this weekend."). If that were the case, Black guys would've been setting the curve so high, that the (no-ass getting) Asian kids would have been like, "What the fuck?" Now, admittedly, there is a noticeable amount of Black guys in high school that focus on their grades moreso than ass, but, these are the guys - that you ignored at the time - who are fucking you over in the corporate and/or "successful" world right now....
White boys know that they have to do well in school, go to college, and etc. if they want the chance to end up with a beautiful White girl. They know this because they know that the White girl's parents will accept no less. With that said, Black parents, should I really have to say any more?
And finally, with all of that said, let Phil say it now: To all young black guys in the high schools of this country, until Black girls and Black girls' parents get their shit together, I want you to relegate yourself to dating White girls in the mean time (*). Seeing as how their parents have told them to never come home with your Black ass, you'll have to work that much harder in school to gain their acceptance. As an extra incentive to those who hesitate to take my advice, remember, generally speaking, White girls give better head anyway. So, by dating these White girls, and, by doing well in school (which is a prerequisite to dating them), maybe, just maybe, when you're older, Black women won't be complaining so much about there being a lack of successful "eligible Black men." At which point, their complaining will revert back to their other favorite argument: "All these eligible Black men want a White bitch." But, that's another post for another time. Peace....
(*) I recognize that this statement is completely contrary to everything that I said in the well-received "Love Jones" post, but, in seeing what is going on with too many young Black men these days, I can't help but throw this out there as a solution. For what it's worth, it seems to me that most of these young Black girls still prefer a Rich Boy-esque type of guy to throw some D's here and there rather than a young Black man that's on his shit. Whereas older Black people - and Black people my age for that matter - are always praising me for my "accomplishments" (that weren't easy, but, nowhere near impossible to attain), I know that the praise only comes from the fact that there are not that many young Black men doing what I am doing - when there could easily be so many more!!! Going to suburban schools, I saw so many young middle-class Black men throwing their opportunities away in an attempt to impress these young Black women who, for whatever reason, wanted a Young Jeezy in their life (while they were on their way to success with their 3.2 GPA's and all). So, as my memory serves me correct (excluding Britney Spears of course), most White girls desired qualities in a boyfriend that had a coorelative effect on the success of young White guys. So, whereas this may be a drastic measure that I am calling for (and an unrealistic one), I wouldn't criticize it so quickly until you yourself can come up with a better idea.
When it comes to either (1) procrastinating -- as is the case with me right now; or (2) substantial bouts with insomnia, these are clips that I cannot live without....
I Hate Black Keys On A Piano!!!
That's A Nice Walker Lady!
I'm Just A Bitch Ass Nigga....
I Almost Spilled My 'Yak On This 200 Dollar Suit....
If You Can Make It Rain, Buy Her A Drank, And Got Stacks On Deck, Then Can Your Black Ass Please Tip The Waiter More Than 6%?
An anonymous friend ("AF") once told me a story concerning the events of one of her infamous dates. AF and this dude went to a Maggianos-type restaurant (read: somewhat pricey) and were having a nice time. AF goes on to say that throughout the course of the meal, her date kept pointing out the waitress' "attitude" and mentioning how "he didn't like that shit." After running up a healthy bill, dude paid for the meals, but, decided to leave NO tip. In response, said waitress walked out of the restaurant behind them and asked what the "no tip" was all about; in essence, she wanted to know what she did wrong. Dude goes onto say that, "If you want a tip, here's a tip -- Don't piss on fresh white snow." Whatever that means....
Nevertheless, when AF told me that story, I laughed my ass off, as did she. I laughed because at the time, I was only 13-years-old -- in no position to be going out to restaurants without an adult accompanying me. Hell, reflecting back, I used to laugh at all kinds of "no-tip" stories. I remember listening to Ryan Cameron one morning tell the story of an acquaintance of his that used to leave waiters nine pennies -- with a note on the receipt that would say, "Yo service ain't worth a dime...." Other stories included people giving the waiters "tips" on what they needed to do; i.e. "A tip for yo ass would be to bring my food out before you bring out the food to those mothafuckas over there that came in after me." Needless to say, 150% of these "no-tip" stories involved Black people.
Yet, typical with my people, are the typical excuses -- such as, "Why am I supposed to pay that bitch's salary? If she wanted a job with guaranteed money, then she shouldn't have become a waitress." Or, "I left that bitch something, when I didn't have to leave her ass anything, so she better keep her mouth shut about wanting more." Then, my favorite, "So she's gonna sit up here and treat us like shit and then expect some shit in return? Fuck that bitch." Well, has it ever occurred to Black people why we get treated like shit in restaurants more often than not? The one thing universal to all of these situations -- rather an appropriate tip is left, a marginal tip is left, or no tip at all -- is that Black people really get "worked up" when it comes to the concept of "the tip." From what I hear, waiters have understood this dilemma since the beginning of waiting on Black people (especially young Black people)....
Even though I've never been a waiter, I know enough to know that waiters are a close-knit group of people -- and that it doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand why. If humans love anything, they love money, and they love food; two objects that are a necessity for survival on this planet. Nowhere, except maybe in a grocery store, do food and money come more into play than in a restaurant (and to the grocery store comment, just think about all of the conflict that you've witnessed, or maybe even engaged in, up in there). Waiters are at the forefront of people's "last nerves" -- especially hungry people's last nerves. With all of the animosity that they face on any given day (not unlike cops), they lean heavily on each other so that everyone can come out with as much profit as possible. In other words, once again, waiters know that Black people hate to tip....
If a hostess sees four Trap Stars coming into the restaurant, together with their weaved-up-skanky-looking girlfriends, she will not sit them in the same section where she just sat another Crime Mob crew; because that would be to financially punish whatever waiter is responsible for that section. Not to say that it's only the thug crowd that hates to tip, because this tip hatred amongst Black people is alive and well in the middle-class too -- maybe even more so because middle-class Black people hate to let go of money that they could easily be spending on other frivolous shit. In the end, all of this tip bullshit goes on to affect one person -- me....
Unlike the general Black consensus on tipping, my default tip is not 10%, because it's actually 20%. If I receive average service, yes, I will tip 20%. If I receive outstanding service, as a waiter, you'll fuck around and get 25-30% out of me depending on the price of the entire bill. If the service is shitty, that's when I'll leave 15%; the universal default tip (with that said though, I'll still holler at the manager to let him know of my displeasure with the service and I'll usually end up with a gift card or the like). To my dismay, as of late, I have found myself receiving shittier and shittier restaurant service -- and it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm back in The D right now. This phenomenon began right before I left Atlanta, and continued all year while in the NYC. Frankly, I have no one to blame but you lackadaisical tipping ass Blacks....
Not surprisingly, the worst treatment always comes from Black waiters because face it; (1) they've grown up around enough Black people to know that we have issues with tipping, and (2) before they became a waiter, they probably didn't used to tip shit themselves. So when the Black waitress sees me, in her head, I know she's thinking, "Why would I even give this fool 25% worth of my effort when I won't even get 6% worth of tip in return -- no matter what I do?" Her thoughts would normally lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy (as it does with most Black customers) were it not for the fact that I always leave at least 15%. I do this not for her, but for your Black ass that is reading this post. I figure that if I can make her feel bad about treating me like shit, then the next time she's serving some Black people, maybe, just maybe, she'll give them the benefit of the tipping doubt. Unfortunately, my dream for equal service, like MLK's dream for equality, will never be fully attained. Both of those dreams consistently fail because Black people always shoot themselves in the foot the minute that progress seems imminent -- be it social equality or restaurant service equality....
To spotlight this problem, let's look at Black peoples' favorite restaurant -- Red Lobster. Even though I know that I'll be leaving 15% for the waitress -- no matter what -- from the minute that the rest of your Black asses walk up in there, you're trying to find reasons so as to keep your tip as minimal as possible: (1) "Girl, why hasn't this pager lit up yet, it's BEEN ten minutes -- well, we'll just deduct our time waiting for a table out of that bitch's tip." (2) "I know that bitch saw that we're out of cheesy bread . . . so for every minute that that basket stays empty, we'll deduct a percentage point from her tip." (3) "Girl, it looks like that woman over there got more shrimp in her damn pasta than I did -- we'll just take the missing shrimp out of that bitch's tip." (4) "Damn girl, I mean, can they brighten the lights up in here? This ain't the club, it's a restaurant. We'll just take it out of her tip." Etc....
Waiters just don't have the time to deal with Black people that morph into New York Times restaurant critics everytime they walk up into a one-star restaurant. Seeing as how they know that Black people will stiff them, logic supports most waiters' actions to treat Black people like shit so that they can better focus on pleasing other races of people that don't foster as much contempt towards "the tip." I wish I could close this post out better, but, I really don't know what else to say after everything else that I've put down so far. For the lack of a better expression, Black people, get your shit together as pertains to "the tip"; I'm tired of suffering the consequences of your dumbass hang-ups. Peace....
Maybe It's Time To Leave My Resentment Behind . . . After All, It's Not North Carolina's Fault That Chris Webber Decided To Call A Timeout....
I just found out that someone REALLY close to me is leaving "The A" and making a fresh start in Charlotte. I've never been to Charlotte, but, I hear it's becoming the new ATL as pertains to Black people (minus all the traffic and Black celebrities). I guess over the next few years, I'll get to see more of it for myself. In the mean time, seeing as how I know very little about NC, I'll leave everyone with four videos from the best R&B album put out in the last twenty years -- songs that just happen to be from a NC quartet. Which reminds me, I guess I'm still engaged to Tiffany S. since she agreed to marry me sixteen years ago; the agreement contingent upon whether or not she had married Devante yet. Nevertheless, peace....
In A Way, Thanks O.J. -- But For Your Blind Jealous Rage, I Wouldn't Be Where I Am Today....
Where the hell does the time go? I swear I remember this shit like yesterday....
October 3, 1995 -- 7th Grade -- I’m sitting in Ms. Reynolds’ algebra class right before we break to go to lunch. Since I attended an overcrowded school, Ms. Reynolds, whose classroom happened to be in one of the 77 trailers outside of the main building, told us not to return to the trailer after lunch (since it didn’t have cable), but to go straight to Mrs. Roundtree’s classroom so that she could catch the verdict. Seeing as how the verdict came down in about 20 minutes -- after a nine month trial -- most of my White friends knew that they found his ass guilty. Shit, to be real, I knew that the verdict was coming down guilty because (1) Like 100% of other Black people, I knew that O.J. did it, and (2) I figured that the predominately Black jury would reluctantly decide to do the “right” thing instead of doing what every African-American needed for them to do -- “to do” for Black people all throughout this country....
After nibbling on my rectangle pizza with sugar-cubed pepperoni, hash browns, and drinking a 1/4 of my Frutopia, Ms. Reynolds gathered us all up and we headed to Mrs. Roundtree’s room. Since there are about four classes in this one classroom, I ended up having to sit on the floor. I’m watching CNN, but, the ramblings of my White friends make it hard to hear the random anchor who is giving the “play-by-play.” Finally, the camera switches off of the anchor, and into the courtroom. I hear something like, “We the above entitled, find the defendant, Oren-jal . . . Orenthal James Simpson not guilty of the crime of murder in violation of penal code section bla, bla, bla....” Or, more accurately:
From my congested spot on that floor, I tell you now, my head almost hit the fucking ceiling after that victory jump. The other 10 Black people in the classroom (out of about 80 students), were jumping up and down as well, and I even remember one of those “soulful” Angie Stone-type Blacks starting to cry (although I couldn’t tell you if it was because of the verdict or because of her being “trapped” in a predominately White school system). You could hear a few of my White friends cheering sporadically, but, most of that cheering came from the few White friends of mine that happened to love Wu-Tang, Goodie Mob, and Biggie more so than Korn, NIN, and The Smashing Pumpkins....
Why I was so ecstatic about the verdict, I didn’t really know at the time. I mean, I knew I liked Johnny Cochran, but, I couldn’t understand why I had so much love for O.J. that day because as I’ve already stated, I knew he did it. Some loved O.J. because of his USC and Buffalo Bills days, but, during his football heyday, I was either (1) not born, or (2) too young to be able to appreciate what he did on the field or in Hertz commercials. Hell, from the vintage clips I saw of O.J., he didn’t seem as good as Barry Sanders, so really, I could have given a shit less about him. So, how do you go from not giving a shit about someone, to then, finding yourself appreciating every aspect of their existence? This after they killed two people....
My “enlightenment” didn’t really come until I started taking the first of many Criminal Justice classes in undergrad. As I have taken that Criminal Justice knowledge to law school, I now understand full well why I was so happy that October day, even if I couldn’t put it into words back then. To help you better understand what I’m getting at, you must first understand the difference between contemporary American law, and the contemporary American criminal justice system (i.e. “The System”). Many people foolishly view these two concepts as interchangeable, but, those are the same fools that you saw crying and breathing out of paper bags the day that the O.J. verdict dropped.
Put simply, The Law is a flexible, theoretical concept that can work for, or against you; it is nothing more than a set of beliefs “made official” by a bunch of middle-aged White men. Therefore, the law is construed around (1) their personal experiences in life, (2) other White people’s experiences in life, or (3) White people from other countries’ experiences in life. Every now and then, someone else’s experiences can help shape The Law, but, only if those experiences advance the interests of middle-aged White men (see generally this post – where I go over Derrick Bell’s book which states that the MAIN reason the Civil Rights laws finally passed, stemmed from the fact that the U.S.S.R. was gaining significant influence in the world by exploiting America’s legally-sanctioned racism).
The System, on the other hand, is set out to force those beliefs (i.e. The Law) on everyone else. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not an anarchy kind of guy. I enjoy laws that set out to stop random assaults, ID theft, people running red lights, etc. But where people get confused between The Law and The System (especially many of my White classmates), is that they get to thinking that The System is not flexible like The Law. Their porous logic lies in the fact that The Law can be changed at anytime by a majority vote, whereas The System, on its face, does not appear to be as flexible; hell, its sole, purported purpose, is to carry out the law. Unfortunately for these confused souls, that line of thought assumes that The System is not set up by the same middle-aged White men that set up The Law....
These people think that if The Law says not to do one thing, then The System will correctly, successfully, and automatically process (i.e. prosecute) those that go against it. This is reinforced every night when these people turn on the news and see Black person after Black person in mug shots, orange suits, and/or being thrown into the back of a police car with a jacket over their head. Through these media images, I sometimes get the feeling that White people feel The System is ultra-efficient. Hell, on the 11 o’clock news, they constantly see pictures of Black men getting snagged up by The System -- Black men that they would hate to see in an elevator, or God forbid walking in their neighborhood; so therefore, there’s not really much for White people to complain about -- as pertains to The System.
To White people’s credit though, they are confused as to one aspect of The System. Whether Black people believe me or not, The System has significantly improved itself as relates to race since at least the 1960's. I’m not saying it’s perfect, or that it ever will be, but, the things that you can tweak out of The System as a Black man these days would be worth as much as life to a Black man facing The System’s wrath 50 years ago. So, it’s not always about “the race card” as much as it is “the wallet.” What people fail to see is that there’s a correlation between “race” and “what’s in your wallet.” My people don’t really have much in their wallet, so that’s why you see all of the Black faces on the 11 o’clock news. Don’t get me wrong, poor White people get fucked by The System just like poor Black people do -- the media just doesn’t find it as interesting. It’s obvious as to why too, because if White people had to see their disadvantaged brethren on the news, night after night, mugshot after mugshot, ratings would plummet; God knows as a Black man I never watch the first 15 minutes of any nightly newscast, just to see that assembly line of Black people caught up in The System -- or the sketches of Black men that The System needs your help in seeking out....
Put frankly, The System is as “flexible” as your wallet is; and if your wallet has a lot in it, The System can turn out to be a better route for your protection than The Law! Your average White person obviously understands this aspect. They know that these white-collar CEO’s get a better deal in The System than their asses ever could. The sad part is that they accept this unfair bullshit. They accept it because even though The System may go easy on a CEO that has destroyed a countless number of modest White people’s lives, at least The System will go hard “on that drug dealing Black guy that has more cash in his pocket on any given day than I make in a salaried year -- fuck that!”
Now back to O.J....
It must first be said, that if O.J. would have committed his crime 75 years ago, there never would have been a "trial of the century." His fate would have ended up something similar to these guys':
50 years ago, O.J. may have received a trial, but it would have served as nothing more than a nice gesture before sending his ass straight to the gas chamber. This is during a time when The System served as a glorified lynch mob – after the federal anti-lynching statutes had gone into effect (these statutes only went into effect because American lynchings served as an embarrassment to middle-aged American White men doing business abroad – not out of any general concern for Black people not ending up like those in the pictures above).
As stated earlier, around the late 1960's, things started to get better for Blacks facing The System. Then, once the Supreme Court started handing down decisions such as Batson v. Kentucky, which curbed the once-too-common theme of the all-White-jury, a Black man could fuck around and actually obtain some of The System's protections -- even if he killed a White woman! Assuming of course that said Black man had the financial resources to do so. O.J. had those resources....
Now, when O.J.'s case came up, even though White people knew that rich people could hustle The System, they were so used to the images from the 11 o'clock news, that they knew The System would correctly process O.J.'s Black ass. Why they thought this? I don't know. Whatever the hell got White people to believing that money couldn't trump The System in this case, really should have been the topic of a mass clinical study -- regardless of all the damning evidence against O.J....
With The System, money is only as good as who you are going up against. The Government has endless financial resources stemming from the fact that taxes never stop rolling in. "Leonard Watkins" on the other hand, has a cap on what he can pay. When you don't have money, you can't hire expert witnesses to counter the Government's expert witnesses. When you don't have money, you can't hire anyone to say you're psychotic and that you didn't know what you were doing when you stabbed "that bitch" 356 times. When you don't have money, you can't pay off government witnesses in regards to keeping their mouths shut. Etc....
People that wanted O.J.'s head always pointed to the blood, the blood, the blood. Had these people actually paid attention to the trial, and not just the "snippets" on the news at night, they would have seen Barry Scheck single-handedly destroy all credibility in that evidence, at least to the standard that is required by The System -- the standard of, "beyond a reasonable doubt."
That said, it should be known that a "reasonable doubt" is one of the most expensive theoretical concepts known to American man. To plant a successful reasonable doubt seed, you need multiple lawyers working together, bringing their experiences to the table, and planning a strategy that will seep into the minds of jurors (taking their minds off of the fact that your client is guilty as hell). Your typical public defender's office, with typical caseloads of 75 clients per attorney, cannot take the time to do this. Even if Leonard Watkins can convince his mom, auntie, and grandmother to mortgage their homes so that he can afford his own attorney (note that "attorney" is in the singular, not plural), one must remember that attorneys bill by the hour. More than likely, Leonard will not have the money to have his one attorney -- that graduated last in his class from a fourth-tier law school -- spend months-on-end developing a strategy similar to the one that Johnny Cochran, Robert Shapiro, F. Lee Bailey, Robert Kardashian, and Barry Scheck concocted for "The Juice."
This past October, Barry Scheck actually came to speak to my Elements of Law class. He spent the entire hour going over all of the work he has done with the Innocence Project. As I sat there mesmerized, listening to the stories of all of the wrongfully convicted men -- mostly Black men -- that Barry Scheck has gotten out of prison and off of death row, my White classmates had looks on their faces which ranged from boredom to outright disgust. After finishing his inspirational conversation with us, he asked if there were any questions. Now, even though 3/4 of the class didn't listen to a word he said as they played Free Cell on their Macs, almost every White arm in that bitch went up into the air. The first (and only) question of course, "How do you feel knowing that you played a part in O.J. getting off?" In a gist, he basically answered that in looking back, he can see little good that came out of that case -- from a social aspect anyway. He did go on to say that he had no regrets about his part because the O.J. trial re-wrote the rules pertaining to the collection of forensic evidence all over the country -- no longer were there as many sloppy collection escapades by police departments which could lead to the tainting of DNA or other imperative particulate related to the commission of a crime.
As the last person called on in the class, I let Barry Scheck know that he was mistaken in one of his beliefs. Something "good" did come out of that trial -- The System was exposed!!! The problem is, White people decided to turn their eyes to the fallacies of The System. So in denial, it's easy to blame the all-Black jury in the O.J. case, or Johnny Cochran, or even O.J. himself. Though in doing this, let us not forget:
(1) Juries are there to bring their collective experiences together in trying to decide issues of fact (i.e. which witnesses to believe and which witnesses not to believe). Back in the day, the reason that White people never wanted Black people on juries is because they knew that Blacks had significantly different experiences in life due to the bullshit that they as White people were bestowing upon them. The fact that Whites and Blacks still to this day have different experiences with police is what led to O.J.'s acquittal. Rodney King -- with an all-White jury -- comes out one way; O.J. -- with an all-Black jury -- comes out another way. Deal with it White people, stop being bitter....
(2) Johnny Cochran did nothing illegal. He played The System the way rich White people meant for it to be played. He didn't get O.J. "off." "The System's rules" got O.J. "off." The hoopla came from the fact that White people were not used to seeing a Black man come off clean from the set of circumstances that O.J. got himself into (i.e. a Black man not just killing, but gruesomely mutilating a White woman). Nevertheless, instead of misdirecting their anger onto Johnny Cochran and his "book of rhymes," White people should have taken their grievances to their politicians (who as mentioned earlier, make laws off of the experiences of similar-situated White people). They could have had the politicians do away with the "reasonable doubt" standard; they could have had the politicians cap the amount that prosecutions and defenses could spend on trying a case (similar to capping campaign expenditures); they could have had the politicians pass laws mandating that policemen start treating Black people with more respect (yeah right) so as to avoid Black people always disregarding whatever cops say on the witness stand; etc....
(3) Finally, you can't blame O.J. O.J. did nothing more than what White people have done since at least the founding of this country -- he got away with murder. To the few White people who even managed to get to this point in the post, if it is starting to seem as if I'm a racist, trust me, I'm not. I'm just really aware. If I seem racist, it's because YOU aren't aware. To raise your awareness, I suggest you read up on Emmett Till, James Chaney, The Scottsboro Boys, The Atlanta Race Riots, The Tulsa Race Riots, The Rosewood Massacre, American Slavery, and every other Black person ever lynched or killed over some shit that they didn't do. The one time that The System doesn't work in your way (even though it worked exactly how it was designed to operate that October day), all of a sudden, O.J. is the problem. Fuck that. The System is the problem; and since no one wanted to do anything about it after O.J. exposed its blatant flaws, then I guess I'll be there to pick up where Johnny Cochran (and his hero, Thurgood Marshall) left off. Peace....
Extra: This Entire Post Summed Up In Four Minutes....
I really hate The Spurs -- as they embark on their 4th Championship, I give you the reasons as to why with more clarity than even Philip Bailey could provide:
1. Their first championship in 1999 doesn’t count. An official NBA Season is 82 games....
2. They have no personality. They look the same when they win by twenty as they did when Derek Fisher hit that shot with .04 left on the clock. And can someone find this team some shorter shorts? Baggy shorts just don't look right with their style of play -- it's almost as bad as the fifty-six year old that you see wearing some Roc-A-Wear shorts up in Home Depot....
3. Like the New England Patriots, they are boring. The NBA is meant to entertain -- The Spurs have not yet received this unclassified information. Whenever there is a team that you find remotely entertaining (i.e. the 1999 Knicks and 2007 Suns come to mind), San Antonio will come in and bore not only you to death, but the other team as well. The other team is forced to sit back and defend the mind-numbing offense of the Spurs -- bank shot after bank shot, back cut after back cut, and all of the other shit that your White middle school coach thought of while jacking off. To analogize, I remember going to play laser-tag back in the day and always having that one jackass friend that just took the shit too seriously -- to the point where playing wasn't even fun anymore. Instead of running around chasing people like everyone else, this loser would go crouch in a hidden corner somewhere, and for the entire 15 minutes, just snipe the shit out of everyone. Sure, he would win, but no one enjoyed playing with him and it frustrated the hell out of everyone else -- who were trying to have fun -- to keep having to go back to the base to power up after this fool has shot your ass into oblivion. Well, that’s how The Spurs play -- they are so boring and methodical, never wanting to entertain or fast break, that they take the drive to play out of the other team, and before you know it, that other team is down 3-1 in the series....
4. Coming off of a Spurs’ championship, if a man with a gun were to walk into The Spurs’ locker room at the beginning of the next season, and tell them that "they better defend their championship this year, or else...." -- each and every one of The Spurs would tell the man to go on ahead and pop a cap in their ass because they know it’s not happening. How are you an alleged dynasty and you can’t ever defend your championships? Since 1987, every team that has won multiple championships has successfully defended their title the next year -- other than The Spurs of course. Shit, it’s easy to win a championship when you’re under the radar for the entire season (as has been the case in each of The Spurs’ championship seasons). It’s another thing when every night, for 82 games of a season, teams are giving their all against you because you are the defending champion; to defend your championship in those circumstances is what truly makes a dynasty. Seeing as how the first championship in 1999 didn’t count, I won’t bring up what happened to them in 2000 when the Suns knocked their asses out of the playoffs. But, in 2004 and 2006, The Lakers and The Mavericks, respectively, watched San Antonio falter under the pressure of trying to defend a title. So as the title of this post states....
5. Mentioning The Lakers in reason number 4 actually brings The Lakers to mind. First things first, The Lakers were always able to step their game up against these fools -- no matter how boring or methodical they tried to play -- because The Lakers did not appreciate being swept out of The Forum by The Spurs on route to their unofficial championship in 1999. First of all, no matter how methodical The Spurs play in the half-court, The Lakers of the early 2000's were even better. Yet, what people loved about The Lakers, is that even in a half-court set, The Lakers could still entertain. First, you obviously look to 2001 when The Spurs had home court advantage in the Western Conference Finals and still managed to get swept -- losing by an average of twenty-something points per game. In 2002, The Spurs won the first game of the Conference-Semis, just to get reverse swept out of the playoffs. Even though The Spurs beat the Lakers in 2003, they shouldn’t have. The Spurs squandered that huge lead in the 4th quarter of game five by playing that boring White purists style of basketball, and had Robert Horry’s three not rattled out, The Lakers would have beat The Spurs that year too. Then in 2004, The Spurs go up 2-0 on The Lakers just to lose four games straight -- one of those games including the .04 second shot by D-Fish. What I’m trying to say, is that the only reason The Spurs are winning now, is by default. They could never stop Kobe, and had Kobe not single-handedly stopped The Lakers by having certain people shipped off, we wouldn’t be witness to such tragedies as The Spurs in The Finals yet again....
6. The Spurs never have any off-court issues. No Kobe-Shaq type feud. No one choking the coach. No DUI’s, drug possession, anal rapes, or anything else to get in trouble with the law. I mean look, we as fans LOVE that shit. Remember how much fun the fans in Denver had in the ‘03-‘04 season booing Kobe whenever he came to town? Seeing Kobe play flawless throughout all of those boos made it an even better spectacle. So come on Spurs, one of you fools needs to throw your wife down the stairs or something. I know you guys probably don’t attract many groupies (seeing as how you don’t even look like athletes) so as to start some good arguments with your wives, but, I know that one of your wives has probably had something flippant to say about the boring ass style of basketball you play; so, by all means, handle that -- for the fans’ sake....
7. Tim Duncan. Will you please talk more shit? You’re one of the greatest -- albeit boring -- power forwards to ever play the game and yet I don’t think the word nigga has ever come out of your mouth during a game. Now, most of you that read this blog will rarely see the N-Word on here, but, when you dunk on someone that had the audacity to think that they could stop your 11 foot ass from doing so, not only is it appropriate, but it is mandatory, that your mouth spit out a sentence comprised of the words nigga, fuck, and you.
8. Honestly, I’m still hurt by the outcome of the 2005 NBA Finals. Rasheed, why would you leave Horry open at the end of that pivotal game five? Your actions implied your thoughts to be "Oh, Horry ain’t gonna hit that shot -- his past 47 game winners were all luck and under different circumstances than these....." What’s funny, is that as O.J. as ‘Sheed will go on a ref, you never see him slapping the shit out of himself after jackass plays such as that....
Anyway, those are the elite eight reasons as to why I hate The Spurs. If I left any out, please be sure to fill them in. I’ll have another post up this weekend. Peace....
Name: Phil Hamilton E-Mail: Philh826@aol.com Location: New York, New York About Me: My roots in Detroit, MI, I possess a dual degree in Criminal Justice/Sociology from Georgia State University in Atlanta and am currently attending law school in New York so that in life I will be able to help our young brothers and sisters that get caught up in the bullshit of our criminal justice system. I just so happen to detest 99% of all New York Hip-Hop critics; the ones that start shit by generalizing YOUR particular cultural situation knowing good and damn well most of these I've-never-traveled-outside-of-the-city NYC jack asses haven't set foot in all five boroughs let alone your locality. Nevertheless, through their ethnocentrism, they somehow find the arrogance to tell you why their lives, regional culture, and musical tastes are superior to yours. Shiiiit. Born in L.A., I've lived in Detroit, ATL, NYC, soon to be D.C., and have stepped foot on four continents. There is no way in hell I could take one more "intellectual" NYC Hip-Hop critic trying to stunt on me with their baseless "sophisticated and cosmopolitan" views. In recognition of my irritations, I bestowed upon the world this blog. Peace... See my photo and complete profile
So, the older that I get, the more and more I am finding myself having to listen to educated and successful Black women’s bullshit about there being no eligible Black men for them. Well, admittedly, maybe it’s not that much of bullshit (because face it, the argument does hold weight - somewhat) as much as it is the outright denial on the part of educated and successful Black women.
